The best way to effectively avoid writing

Ask any published author about their best writing tips and I guarantee one of their first response will be something like ‘simply write’ along with ‘read other books’.

The sad truth is, they are right. Last week during my FAWWA residency I’ve set the bar for writing time pretty high. Now that I’ve handed my key to Amanda I’m adjusting my mindset and return to writing Road trip, but oh dear, will I be able to match last week’s standard?

I love reading tips about how to become a better, more efficient writer. Good advice will tell you things like: Get off social media and if you manage to shut your twitter hole, close your facebook and refrain from googling you might also like to leave behind all the other distracting habits (aka, organising bills, answering emails, coffee breaks, emptying dishwasher).

Stop reading helpful advice about how to be a better writer might save you some time too. To-do lists are great and make you feel accomplished when you can tick off boxes, reminders in your diary work also well. A good old deadline does wonders, but hey, that’s just me.

Yesterday, I learned the best way to effectively avoid writing, which entails this: procrastinate all Sunday (it’s ok to faff on Sundays) until you’re starving at dinner time. Hectically throw around pots and pans, fry some meet while chopping veggies and…yes…the recently sharpened chopping knife – don’t pay too much attention to it while you’re multitasking. And voila!  Mix some freshly chopped human skin and blood under your food and the perfect recipe for not being able to type is done.

Depending on how severely you wish to not write adjust chopping speed, pressure and target finger. A thumb, for example, is low level target (I’ll try better next time) while index fingers or middle fingers are high level targets…